Friday, 11 May 2007

woman in SL

Ok, so it took me a while to get started. Honestly, if it wasn't for Vint twisting my arm and the fact I can't spend much time in SL due to computer trouble, I might have just deleted this blog. Then again, I read something earlier today that puzzled me and got me thinking. It was a heartfelt cry from someone who just found out her longtime SL girlfriend is in fact a man. The comment list was full of echoes of woman telling her the same happened to them.

Emma, a very dear friend of mine recently had exactly the same happening to her. She is bi in RL but never came out of the closet because, according to her, the place where she lives is a little anal about these things (go figure). Anyway, she found SL and fell in love with a pretty girl, Anna, she spent days and nights talking to (and I doubt it ended there). Since they didn't live all that far apart in RL after a while the inevitable question was raised whether or not they would or should carry their relationship over to RL. The idea was prodded and poked thoroughly but never materialised. Enter in SL Anna's RL boyfriend who starts hitting on Emma and asking her questions about Anna. After a while Emma did the math and confronted Anna with her suspicion; namely that pretty boy and Anna were one and the same. Anna confessed to being a man and walked away leaving my friend heart broken.

These stories leave me with a couple of questions. I can see the lure of being able to make some quick Linden $ as a dancer, model or escort using a female alt, but how can you string someone along well beyond the point where real feelings have started to blossom. Who can be that cruel? The often heard "SL is SL and RL is RL"-excuse is only true up to certain point. You would really have to lack any empathy not to notice things have progressed beyond SL. On the other hand I guess empathy is a typically female skill.

What also puzzles me is why so many woman in SL seem to start relationships with other woman. The number or girl/girl couples in SL is a few factors higher then in RL. Why is that? I have wondered if it has something to do with the fact woman are maybe more imaginative and susceptible to suggestion. I don't want to stereotype but I can't come up with an other explanation. Speaking as a man it is almost as if we are obsolete. At a stretch we're almost second rate second life citizens. I can't say I like that. Not only do we always have to take in account every pretty lady could be a guy in disguise, those of us being honest about our gender are often kept at a distance by the ladies of SL. Maybe that creates some sort of vicious circle.

I'd love to hear your opinion on this so by all means leave your comments.

Oh, all names mentioned are fake for obvious reasons.


vint said...

Why is that? I still think half of SL woman are actually male.

As far the disappointement, I think I can understand. If you want to
pull such a thing on someone (although I don't think that happened 'on purpose'?), don't mention FL at all. Don't make on up. You can 'be' whomever you want in SL, but when you lie about your first life, well, that actually is a _lie_.

I still don't understand why that much SL ladies choose a lady partner on file, and it's probably something I will never able to grasp. Ok, they dress better then most of the males, they look better then most of the males, they are more original in their flirting then most of the males... but still. Actually, it's the same in first life and the majority of woman there still picks a man. ;)

Tiana Meriman said...

vint pointed me to your blog because of a post i made on why girls go for girls. (

it's terrible that people would lie about their real life gender.
love grows so fast in sl and a lot of feelings are put into them, so its terrible to find out the truth after so much time.

the thing is that i think most guys act like teenagers while being in sl as male but are mature as woman. the avatar is only a shape and inside they are the same person. shouldnt they be well behaved as male also? its true that girls contrl sl. we have more clothes to choose from, we make money a lot easier and have more projects. there are a few guys that are very mature and do well in sl and thats they guys woman are after.

in my opinion girls go for girls because in SL, man think with their penis not their brain.

Silverdrake said...

I just think there are more women in SL - almost all of my fmale friends would love to have a male SL partner, but there aren't enough guys to go around - they're all off blowing things up in more violent virtual worlds. Not as interested in socializing as women are. Add to that the fascination men seem to have with women's bodies and lesbianism, and you have the few men available going around as women. I do know of women who have male avvies: most of them are lesbians, and it's great for them, because there are so many desperate women in SL.

I would just repeat what I have said before: caveat emptor. If you get into a serious relationship with someone in SL, you'd damn well better have some information on that person's real self, or it's your own fault if you end up disappointed. Think someone is really hot? If they don't have a RL profile, you're making that choice to have some fun with a hot avvie and not expect it to go any further.

And if you fall in love with someone, I would question why you can't love someone whose body turns out to be different than you expected. Unless it's the cartoon you're falling in love with, not their mind. Then there's that little matter of trust and deceit. And finally, I really am not sure men in general perceive SL the way women do: they tend to view it with more separation between RL and SL than women do, so for them, it IS more of a game, seeing if they can get women to have sex with them. Which is not to say that a lot of women aren't like this, or that there aren't sensitive, honest men in SL, but it's the feeling I've acquired after 9 months experience.

Anonymous said...

I have had what you are discussing happen to me.....I briefly flirted with the idea of being with a women in sl (it was just a fantasy I felt more comfortable acting out in sl than rl). After spending a bit of time with the same girl I found out that it was actually a male friend of mine! lol. I was shocked and angry to start with but we sat down and talked about it, and he never meant for it to go as far as it had and once he realised that my feelings were coming into it he/she backed out and left sl (well the fameale him did anyway) We are still friends today and often joke about it, that the only time I have been with a women it really turned out to be a man, which has convinced me that i am meant for the species with the penis! lmao. Anyway just wanted to share my experience :-)