Growing Pains

Cindy Kesey wrote another great blog post venturing into the subject of SLove & SLex (no I don't do the trademarking stuff). Although I agree with her conclusion that cheating on your RL spouse in SL is more a symptom of an already flawed marriage then a cause I think there is more to it. Albeit true in some cases it is too easy a conclusion as it relies on a few givens I'm not so sure of.

Given one: the notion of eternal romantic love.

A marriage, even in the legal sense, is a contract, a contract that will hopefully be beneficial for both parties. Looking back at its historic significance one could debate the merits of such contract in this day and age where women no longer depend on their husbands to provide for them and their children or where the careful planning of strategic weddings to keep family fortunes together or alliances intact is no longer a real issue. Still, you don't have to look far to find cultures where, to this day, it is absolutely normal for parents to decide who their children will marry. Anyway, whether it be now or in the past, marriage and romantic love are two different things all too often confused in our western culture these days. Fact remains though that no one wants to grow old alone or be alone period. So I do believe a marriage can last forever but I am not convinced the same goes for romantic love.

Given two: getting caught with your pants around your ankles in SL is just as bad as it is in RL.

Hate to burst your bubble but it isn't. If I simply count the *hugs* & *kisses* or variations thereof I have received in my time in SL they by far exceed the number of RL hugs and kisses I've received in RL to this day. Face it: they are a convention; a way of expressing you like a person for lack of other, more subtle signals we have at hand in RL where a look can say more than a thousand words. I won't push it as far as to saying that doing the "pixel polka" is meaningless but to compare it to RL sex is selling RL short.

Given three: there is such a thing as a perfect marriage.

Need I say more ?

Now, if you accept above givens are not as factual as they appear in the first place what is the problem with SL relationships? Why do people still get their knickers in a knot over them?

What I do see is that SL in many ways acts as a magnifying glass for emotions, fooling a lot of people into seeing things that simply are not there. I believe it has a lot to do with the limited way in which we can express ourselves online. It leaves no room for subtlety and forces us to be very explicit to avoid all kinds of misunderstandings. By doing that the message sent becomes a very powerful statement. The reaction will be equally strong and the ball starts rolling... Looking at it from the outside and comparing given conversations and/or interactions with RL ones can be very easily misinterpreted. You can not compare a RL relationship with an SL relationship because the whole frame of reference in which they exist is completely different. Trouble usually starts when people start mixing up the two and start judging SL actions within a RL frame of reference or the other way around. I guess the main question is where you draw the line between the two because the are inevitably intertwined and most certainly related.

This is not an exclusive SL thing. I've seen the same issues in chat rooms many years ago. It will take time for people to learn to put things in the right perspective. If you look at how teenagers, who grew up with all this technology, have made a whole new frame of reference that includes both online presence and physical presence I think there is hope for the future. In the meantime we'll have to deal with the growing pains.

On a side-note: I'm no ogre, so yes, I left out some of the grey in between for the sake of argument ;-)

Turbulent times

These seem to be turbulent times. In the last few days two of my friends told me independently they and their significant other are splitting up. The situations are rather different though. In one case my friend, let's call him Fred, decided to leave because his long time girlfriend Ginger admitted to him she fell in love with someone else. In an other case my friend Eve's husband Adam is about to leave her because she confessed she "knew" someone in the biblical sense. Wait a sec ... didn't I say the situations were quite different? Well, in Ginger's case the proverbial green grass on the other side of the fence is a RL person in Eve's he is a Second Life avatar.

So is there a difference? After all, the net result is the same; two couples who have been together for years are about to split up. Does it matter whether Eve fell for an avatar and Ginger for some real life person? I think it does for a number of reasons. When we fall in love with someone we're always on our best bewitching behaviour to convince the other party we deserve a chance with them. How much easier is it to hide behind a flashy avatar than is to hide behind your toothpaste smile? I would say a lot. Sooner or later inevitably the smile will show some cracks but you can hide behind the av reasonably comfortably forever unless and until you decide to meet up in person. In SL there will always be a larger degree of wishful projections about the other party and their feelings even though it rarely feels that way.

Now there is also the matter of sex and adultery. Here I think things are a lot less clear. What is worse, Eve looking at pixels exchange bodily fluids whilst having a racy conversation or Ginger going out with her friend for a beer, holding hands and exchanging dreamy looks knowing all too well what they both rather be doing? I think the clue is in that last bit "what they would rather be doing", because basically that's what it is in both cases; the expression of a longing, not the act itself or lack thereof. Both Eve and Ginger respond to the social rules of their environment and we all know those are a lot more liberal in SL than they are in RL. Ginger is held back from the next step by her own morality and/or social constraints whilst for Eve there is no next step but to take things out of SL into real life.

That's why, if I was in Fred's shoes, I would probably leave as well. Ginger has decided she wants to devote her love to someone else. If I were in Adam's shoes I wouldn't and I know that for sure because I'm still married. Eve explored some fantasies and satisfied her curiosity in a limitless fantasy world. Don't we all fantasise about that new and exciting stranger at one time or other or of indulging in that kinky thing we would never even contemplate in RL? SL provides the sandbox to experiment with those fantasies. Does that mean you want to give up on an existing RL relationship? Of course not.

Fantasy and creativity are what makes us human and sets us apart from your average chimp. SL gives us the space to experiment without fear for consequences other than a better insight into what makes each of us tick. Consequences usually arise from the fact many can't deal with the newfound freedom or because of judgemental people that don't understand the nature of SL. So does experimenting make us adulterous? Of course not.

Right now my heart bleeds for Fred, Ginger, Adam and Eve although for different reasons.

Now before you shoot, I respect the fact we are all individuals, situations vary and a multitude of factors can come into play. Human emotions are not an exact science, I see that all around me on a daily basis. SL provides us with a unique chance that, if used wisely, can help us gain an insight into aspects of ourselves that might otherwise remain hidden.

My opinion until proven wrong...
may it never be ;-)

SL Drama

Ok, so what's the most discussed thing in SL if you forget about Vint and more recently child pornography? No doubt in my mind it's SL relationships and all the drama they entail. On a daily basis I read testimonials from people who fell in love, made friends for eternity or feel they've been lied to, cheated on, abused and worse. People who then turn around and pour their, often wounded, heart out for all to see. What is it with SL and this emotional exhibitionism? I have my ups and downs and those who know me will notice, just like friends in RL would. If I had a really crappy week I may even post something about it, but still it will not go beyond what people around me in RL would know.

Sure, we all know the absence of physical presence creates an environment in which one can remain anonymous and enjoy the relative safety it provides so people are more likely to confide in others. We also need to fill in the blanks this absence causes which makes people project their wishes and expectations onto others but still that doesn't explain it. The same was true in text chat and although it had it's share of drama it was never like SL. I wonder if it could have something to do with the fact we primarily rely on our eyes to interpret things and we subconsciously replace the blanks with what SL shows us thus projecting the pretty/sexy/feminine/masculine/well dressed/etc. av onto the real person behind it causing us to be attracted to them.

Throw in the fact you can, more easily then in RL, hide the less desirable sides of your personality and I guess it could explain why people all over SL fall head over heels all the time. Unfortunately reality catches up sooner or later for one of the parties involved and what was perceived as very real suddenly is nothing but a fantasy and a new drama is born.

I'm sure there are other reasons as well, but the addition of a visual aspect that fools our judgement for a while accounts for a lot I think.

woman in SL

Ok, so it took me a while to get started. Honestly, if it wasn't for Vint twisting my arm and the fact I can't spend much time in SL due to computer trouble, I might have just deleted this blog. Then again, I read something earlier today that puzzled me and got me thinking. It was a heartfelt cry from someone who just found out her longtime SL girlfriend is in fact a man. The comment list was full of echoes of woman telling her the same happened to them.

Emma, a very dear friend of mine recently had exactly the same happening to her. She is bi in RL but never came out of the closet because, according to her, the place where she lives is a little anal about these things (go figure). Anyway, she found SL and fell in love with a pretty girl, Anna, she spent days and nights talking to (and I doubt it ended there). Since they didn't live all that far apart in RL after a while the inevitable question was raised whether or not they would or should carry their relationship over to RL. The idea was prodded and poked thoroughly but never materialised. Enter in SL Anna's RL boyfriend who starts hitting on Emma and asking her questions about Anna. After a while Emma did the math and confronted Anna with her suspicion; namely that pretty boy and Anna were one and the same. Anna confessed to being a man and walked away leaving my friend heart broken.

These stories leave me with a couple of questions. I can see the lure of being able to make some quick Linden $ as a dancer, model or escort using a female alt, but how can you string someone along well beyond the point where real feelings have started to blossom. Who can be that cruel? The often heard "SL is SL and RL is RL"-excuse is only true up to certain point. You would really have to lack any empathy not to notice things have progressed beyond SL. On the other hand I guess empathy is a typically female skill.

What also puzzles me is why so many woman in SL seem to start relationships with other woman. The number or girl/girl couples in SL is a few factors higher then in RL. Why is that? I have wondered if it has something to do with the fact woman are maybe more imaginative and susceptible to suggestion. I don't want to stereotype but I can't come up with an other explanation. Speaking as a man it is almost as if we are obsolete. At a stretch we're almost second rate second life citizens. I can't say I like that. Not only do we always have to take in account every pretty lady could be a guy in disguise, those of us being honest about our gender are often kept at a distance by the ladies of SL. Maybe that creates some sort of vicious circle.

I'd love to hear your opinion on this so by all means leave your comments.

Oh, all names mentioned are fake for obvious reasons.